I have to say that I actually kept my 2012 resolutions. I set forth realistic goals so I did not set myself up for failure and had a solid plan and strategy for keeping every one of them. I only made a few and they were biggies. I feel so good about my success.
This year, I am back on par with the previous decades of making New Year's resolutions. I'm overwhelmed with life right now and I have no plan and no strategy for accomplishing any of the things I know I should resolve to do. Any resolution I make will more than likely fail.
I do have an idea, however, one that I really think will work. If all goes as planned, 2012 will be an amazing year.
My resolution: Be happier. Learn to be happier. And don't worry so much.
If I can just figure that much out with my life, I'll be on the road to a better start. Forget losing weight and finding a girlfriend, which have been my consistent resolutions for the last...3 or 4 years. Just be happy. That's all I resolve to do.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Nobody Really Wants to Know ...
It seems people are so busy, so preoccupied, etc. these days they either don't care to listen or are too worried to share the truth of the matter for fear of not being listened to. I can't blame those who don't share ... I'm one of them.
I realize, after an illness, people ask how you are as a social form of a greeting. It's not that they really want to know. And those who do want to know do not want to hear that you aren't doing well. Those who care enough to listen generally only care for so many months. They want to see some progress and improvement - they don't want to hear that you are still ill, have another surgery scheduled, etc. after about month 4.
The socially acceptable response to the automated greeting, "How are you?" is, "I'm okay (or good or anything positive.) How bout you?" Or so it is in my region. I suspect it's not much different anywhere else in the world.
Why are we socially automated? It's very difficult coming from my stand point. "Don't ask me if you don't want to know!" That's the response I adopted after a year or so of illness with no progress. However, since then, in order to maintain any amount of social activity I've had to learn to lie. I used to do it at work all the time - telling people I was fine or even great when it was the worst day ever. Why then should it be so difficult now? I suspect it has much to do with the illness.
I lie about how I am on every level; physical, emotional, just the day itself. I'm transparent and always have been, so it doesn't work well. When I'm caught in my lies I blame it on a new medication that makes me appear tired etc. I have a whole slew of excuses. But it's rare that I ever tell anyone how I truly feel anymore ... Sadly, and to my detriment, I've even begun hiding it from the doctors ...
I realize, after an illness, people ask how you are as a social form of a greeting. It's not that they really want to know. And those who do want to know do not want to hear that you aren't doing well. Those who care enough to listen generally only care for so many months. They want to see some progress and improvement - they don't want to hear that you are still ill, have another surgery scheduled, etc. after about month 4.
The socially acceptable response to the automated greeting, "How are you?" is, "I'm okay (or good or anything positive.) How bout you?" Or so it is in my region. I suspect it's not much different anywhere else in the world.
Why are we socially automated? It's very difficult coming from my stand point. "Don't ask me if you don't want to know!" That's the response I adopted after a year or so of illness with no progress. However, since then, in order to maintain any amount of social activity I've had to learn to lie. I used to do it at work all the time - telling people I was fine or even great when it was the worst day ever. Why then should it be so difficult now? I suspect it has much to do with the illness.
I lie about how I am on every level; physical, emotional, just the day itself. I'm transparent and always have been, so it doesn't work well. When I'm caught in my lies I blame it on a new medication that makes me appear tired etc. I have a whole slew of excuses. But it's rare that I ever tell anyone how I truly feel anymore ... Sadly, and to my detriment, I've even begun hiding it from the doctors ...
It's An Act, Even The Pain You See Is Nothing...
I act like I'm okay, I tell people I'm okay, and even when people can tell I'm unhappy, I don't show them almost anything. Hatred, rage, and self-loathing are eating me alive.
I feel so incredibly horrible most of the time. Something inside me never lets me be truly happy. I can be temporarily content, but not truly happy. Whenever I almost become happy, my mind tells me something. It tells me things like: You're worthless, you know you have to die, you'll never be anyone or amount to anything, you're hideous, or you know you can't and never will be happy. I hide many many thoughts and feelings from everyone. I know that keeping it in is bad, but if people knew some of this..... They'd either think I'm a monster or think I need to be back in the loony bin...
I feel so incredibly horrible most of the time. Something inside me never lets me be truly happy. I can be temporarily content, but not truly happy. Whenever I almost become happy, my mind tells me something. It tells me things like: You're worthless, you know you have to die, you'll never be anyone or amount to anything, you're hideous, or you know you can't and never will be happy. I hide many many thoughts and feelings from everyone. I know that keeping it in is bad, but if people knew some of this..... They'd either think I'm a monster or think I need to be back in the loony bin...
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Broken Inside
We all pretend to be okay...wether its at the beside of a dying loved one or in the middle of a test with 20 million problems on your mind and wishing you could just let go and burst into tears.
i've been through both of these and the 1st one we do because of compassion..we don't want our loved one to go through any more emotional pain by seeing the people they love crying....
but the second one is the one when we feel the most fake...we feel alone...guilty...and unfair....why is it that we dont share how we feel with people who are willing to listen???????
because we care too much what they will think....its just a petty problem??...its a silly reason to cry???...it's all just for attention???.........all of these things are what we feel is going through the persons head if we say how we feel.
sometimes it's just too painful to say out loud and we prefer to live in denial and keep the pain locked inside in the hope that it will go away.
All these we do are normal but there will be a point in your life when you no longer have control...or you finally burst out....or you realise the pain you are putting the people who care abput you through because they are worried.
just make sure you don't make the mistake that many people including myself have made by leaving it until the last minute when people have stopped caring and whne your finally ready to share they don't want to listen.
i've been through both of these and the 1st one we do because of compassion..we don't want our loved one to go through any more emotional pain by seeing the people they love crying....
but the second one is the one when we feel the most fake...we feel alone...guilty...and unfair....why is it that we dont share how we feel with people who are willing to listen???????
because we care too much what they will think....its just a petty problem??...its a silly reason to cry???...it's all just for attention???.........all of these things are what we feel is going through the persons head if we say how we feel.
sometimes it's just too painful to say out loud and we prefer to live in denial and keep the pain locked inside in the hope that it will go away.
All these we do are normal but there will be a point in your life when you no longer have control...or you finally burst out....or you realise the pain you are putting the people who care abput you through because they are worried.
just make sure you don't make the mistake that many people including myself have made by leaving it until the last minute when people have stopped caring and whne your finally ready to share they don't want to listen.
Again Today
I pretended again today.
I smiled the same smile, laughed the same laugh...
Like an alien from another planet, I impersonated the human form perfectly.
No suspect, no question, no wondering..
I gave off the vibe of happiness and content..
I asked the right questions and gave the right answers.
Noone could see, noone heard
I hid in broad daylight
Only when I was alone, only when I was sure noone would know..
Did I let myself be free, pretending no more, and allowing the tears to flow..
I pretended again today...
I smiled the same smile, laughed the same laugh...
Like an alien from another planet, I impersonated the human form perfectly.
No suspect, no question, no wondering..
I gave off the vibe of happiness and content..
I asked the right questions and gave the right answers.
Noone could see, noone heard
I hid in broad daylight
Only when I was alone, only when I was sure noone would know..
Did I let myself be free, pretending no more, and allowing the tears to flow..
I pretended again today...
The "mask" We Wear
At times all of us use a so called "mask" to hide our true emotions putting on a smile when you see the girl/guy you like in the hands of another making you sad inside but cant help but feel sad on the inside. Well I can say that I am hiding my true emotions under this "mask" called a smile. Hiding all the pain and saddness knowing that I'm not okay with what I'm seeing that I want to become happy but I cant. That what people around me like my father say things like that I can never get a girlfriend and that I'm lying about having a trauma of rejection from the very girls I liked saying that Im batting for the other team and try to laugh it of knowing that he understands nothing of what I went through because of how I am and hate myself sometimes for it because I try to change but its just to hard. I've always pretended to be alright giving off that smile and laughter during the the day while turning to tears and saddness at night when nobody can see you. I pretend nothings wrong when I see a couple being lovey dovey seeing them happy and thinking that I will never be that way because of how I am. So yeah I do pretend to be okay but its all just a "mask" meant to hide what Im truely feeling inside.
All Alone And So Not Ok I Fake A Smile (i wrote this when i was in 8th standard)
I get bullied and teased at school all the time.I fake a smile everyday.I tried telling one of my friends but she didn't listen.She didn't care.She just said 'well,no one beats you up so you're ok'.But let me tell you,for me the insider,emotional,mental pain is way worse than physical.Of course physical pain can cause emotional pain,but I'm way more emotional,easier to upset,more shy and quieter than all my other friends so it's harder for me to deal with just one type of pain.When the things at school get worse I start getting all sorts of weird thoughts and suicidal feelings. My family don't listen either.They just say 'stand up for yourself'.The thing is I can't.It's just too hard.So I pretend that I'm ok. I guess I'm all alone.
I'ts Meanwhile A Part Of Me
No matter how hurt or down I am, I always show a smile or at least pretend that I'm alright.
I think I try to prevent that I would let out everything and tell someone about everything that's at that moment curled up inside me, and I want to protect my friends. So often meanwhile I got to know how much it hurt them when I told them what is bothering me. But at the same time, it hurts them when I don't tell them. Seems as if there's no way to don't hurt anyone or get hurt.
It's really like a part of me though that I hide things. Never show weakness, just be strong in front of everyone. That was what I was thaught as a child. And people like you more when you're always the strong one... and with time they don't even care to look behind the mask -why should they even when they get what they need without it.
I often noticed that... when you're just smiling and are alright.... when I don't show weakness, then no one finds a spot to hurt me even more.
The more I hate myself when I break down too much and let my friends see how ****** up I really am.
I think I try to prevent that I would let out everything and tell someone about everything that's at that moment curled up inside me, and I want to protect my friends. So often meanwhile I got to know how much it hurt them when I told them what is bothering me. But at the same time, it hurts them when I don't tell them. Seems as if there's no way to don't hurt anyone or get hurt.
It's really like a part of me though that I hide things. Never show weakness, just be strong in front of everyone. That was what I was thaught as a child. And people like you more when you're always the strong one... and with time they don't even care to look behind the mask -why should they even when they get what they need without it.
I often noticed that... when you're just smiling and are alright.... when I don't show weakness, then no one finds a spot to hurt me even more.
The more I hate myself when I break down too much and let my friends see how ****** up I really am.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Nostalgia moments of diwali..
The fun starts (I'm talking about my childhood days) atleast a fortnight before the new moon day, with those shopping trips for new clothes and more importantly the crackers :) I remember I used to prepare the list of crackers to buy with my bro(chachu) and like a congress bill it goes through some tweaks before the final nod from dad and grandpa!! Zameen chakkars, vishnu chakkar, flowerpots, magnesium ribbons :), 1000 walas, atom/hydrogen bombs, rockets and the list goes on...It used to take multiple visits before the whole list of items is brought home.
On the day of diwali, we used to wake up at 4.30, mom used to light candles and then we burst a few crackers. This is supposed to signify victory over evil or whatever :) Go back into the home, taste something sweet and get ready to meet friends and family was the next course of action. Afternoons go by with a merry nap after a super-heavy lunch :) It's more fun in the evening when the whole city gets on to the streets to burst crackers. It starts with lighting a sprinkler at ~6 and ends 4-5 hrs later mostly with a 1000 wala :) I remember setting up those rockets in a bottle filled with sand, meticulously make sure the angle is right (like a PSLV launch), yet some of them end up in the neighbor's house :D I think we also used to save some crackers for the next couple of days as well :)
I miss those days of being innocent and unknown to this world. Every moment is precious so try to make the most of it. Keep smiling.
On the day of diwali, we used to wake up at 4.30, mom used to light candles and then we burst a few crackers. This is supposed to signify victory over evil or whatever :) Go back into the home, taste something sweet and get ready to meet friends and family was the next course of action. Afternoons go by with a merry nap after a super-heavy lunch :) It's more fun in the evening when the whole city gets on to the streets to burst crackers. It starts with lighting a sprinkler at ~6 and ends 4-5 hrs later mostly with a 1000 wala :) I remember setting up those rockets in a bottle filled with sand, meticulously make sure the angle is right (like a PSLV launch), yet some of them end up in the neighbor's house :D I think we also used to save some crackers for the next couple of days as well :)
I miss those days of being innocent and unknown to this world. Every moment is precious so try to make the most of it. Keep smiling.
Gone are those days....
Gone are the days!!!
When The school reopened in June,
And we settled in our new desks and
benches!
When we queued up in book depot,
And got our new books and notes!
When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays,
Yet managed to line up daily for the morning prayers.
We learnt writing with slates and pencils, and
progressed to fountain pens and ball pens and then Micro tips!
When we began drawing with crayons and evolved to
Color pencils and finally sketch pens!
When we started calculating
first with tables and then with
Clarke's tables and advanced to
Calculators and computers!
When we chased one another in the
corridors in Intervals, and returned to the classrooms
drenched in sweat!
When we had lunch in classrooms, corridors,
Playgrounds,
under the trees and even in cycle sheds!
When all the colors in the world,
decorated the campus on the Second Saturdays!
When a single P.T. period in the week's Time Table,
Was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons!
When cricket was played with writing pads as bats,
And Neckties and socks rolled into balls!
When few played
"kabadi" and "Kho-Kho" in scorching sun,
While others simply played
"book cricket" in the
Confines of classroom!
Of fights but no conspiracies,
Of Competitions but seldom jealousy!
When we used to
watch Live Cricket telecast,
In the opposite house in Intervals and Lunch breaks!
When few rushed at 3:45 to
"Conquer" window seats in our School bus!
While few others had "Big Fun", "peppermint",
"kulfi", " milk ice !" and "sharbat !" at 4 ' o ' Clock!
Gone are the days
Of Sports Day,
and the annual School Day ,
And the one-month long
preparations for them.
Gone are the days
Of the stressful Quarterly,
Half Yearly and Annual Exams, And the most
enjoyed holidays after them!
Gone are the days
Of tenth and twelfth standards, when
We Spent almost the whole year writing revision tests!
We learnt,
We enjoyed,
We played,
We won,
We lost,
We laughed,
We cried,
We fought,
We thought.
With so much fun in them, so many friends,
So much experience, all this and more!
Gone are the days
When we used
to talk for hours with our friends!
Now we don't have time to say a 'Hi'!
Gone are the days
When we sat to chat with Friends on grounds!
Now we chat in chat rooms.....!
Gone are the days
Where we
studied just to pass!
Now we study to save our job!
Gone are the days
Where we had no money in our pockets and still fun filled on our hearts!!
Now we have the atm as well as credit card but with an empty heart!!
Gone are the days
Where we shouted on the road!
Now we don't shout even at home
Gone are the days
Where we got lectures from all!
Now we give lectures to all... like the one I'm doing now....!!
Gone are the days
But not the memories, which will be
Lingering in our hearts for ever and ever and
Ever and ever and ever .....
Gone are the Days.... But still there are lot more Days to come in our Life!!
NO MATTER HOW BUSY WE ARE,
DONT FORGET TO
LIVE THE LIFE THAT STILL
EXISTS....
LIVE-- LONG , HEALTHY AND HAPPY LIFE...........................................
When The school reopened in June,
And we settled in our new desks and
benches!
When we queued up in book depot,
And got our new books and notes!
When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays,
Yet managed to line up daily for the morning prayers.
We learnt writing with slates and pencils, and
progressed to fountain pens and ball pens and then Micro tips!
When we began drawing with crayons and evolved to
Color pencils and finally sketch pens!
When we started calculating
first with tables and then with
Clarke's tables and advanced to
Calculators and computers!
When we chased one another in the
corridors in Intervals, and returned to the classrooms
drenched in sweat!
When we had lunch in classrooms, corridors,
Playgrounds,
under the trees and even in cycle sheds!
When all the colors in the world,
decorated the campus on the Second Saturdays!
When a single P.T. period in the week's Time Table,
Was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons!
When cricket was played with writing pads as bats,
And Neckties and socks rolled into balls!
When few played
"kabadi" and "Kho-Kho" in scorching sun,
While others simply played
"book cricket" in the
Confines of classroom!
Of fights but no conspiracies,
Of Competitions but seldom jealousy!
When we used to
watch Live Cricket telecast,
In the opposite house in Intervals and Lunch breaks!
When few rushed at 3:45 to
"Conquer" window seats in our School bus!
While few others had "Big Fun", "peppermint",
"kulfi", " milk ice !" and "sharbat !" at 4 ' o ' Clock!
Gone are the days
Of Sports Day,
and the annual School Day ,
And the one-month long
preparations for them.
Gone are the days
Of the stressful Quarterly,
Half Yearly and Annual Exams, And the most
enjoyed holidays after them!
Gone are the days
Of tenth and twelfth standards, when
We Spent almost the whole year writing revision tests!
We learnt,
We enjoyed,
We played,
We won,
We lost,
We laughed,
We cried,
We fought,
We thought.
With so much fun in them, so many friends,
So much experience, all this and more!
Gone are the days
When we used
to talk for hours with our friends!
Now we don't have time to say a 'Hi'!
Gone are the days
When we sat to chat with Friends on grounds!
Now we chat in chat rooms.....!
Gone are the days
Where we
studied just to pass!
Now we study to save our job!
Gone are the days
Where we had no money in our pockets and still fun filled on our hearts!!
Now we have the atm as well as credit card but with an empty heart!!
Gone are the days
Where we shouted on the road!
Now we don't shout even at home
Gone are the days
Where we got lectures from all!
Now we give lectures to all... like the one I'm doing now....!!
Gone are the days
But not the memories, which will be
Lingering in our hearts for ever and ever and
Ever and ever and ever .....
Gone are the Days.... But still there are lot more Days to come in our Life!!
NO MATTER HOW BUSY WE ARE,
DONT FORGET TO
LIVE THE LIFE THAT STILL
EXISTS....
LIVE-- LONG , HEALTHY AND HAPPY LIFE...........................................
Bidding adieu to our colleuge Nupur..
Through my life I’ve learned it and experienced it in many ways. When people pass away, when your friends and family move; go away from you. Maybe because of their jobs, maybe because of their studies… Maybe they’ll come back or maybe they won’t!!!
I love what I do here… I enjoyed it throughout my working period here… but one thing was always lacking… that is a person that whom you can really interact with… someone who would really tone with me. A good person whom you really can treat and accept as a friend… these people have the tendency to recruit people who are to a different category as to mine… She did fit in to the category… and we made very good friendship… She was eternally enthusiastic at her work; loved what she did; wanted the best for the company. She is one of the people who didn’t have the “ah well… the hell I should bother… I’d join somewhere else if it gets any harder here!!” attitude.
(Obviously we’d still keep in touch and all that…. Not that the friendship will end or something…)
Really She is a Darling for all and it can only be said that ‘’some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same’’.
Before you leave, I wanted to remind you what a pleasure it was working for you these last 2 years. I appreciated your support and working style and feel I learned a great deal here.
So I bid her farewell and wish her all the best at her new place… good luck my friend I know that you’d do very well wherever you are… It was nice working with you…and having you around!!!
I love what I do here… I enjoyed it throughout my working period here… but one thing was always lacking… that is a person that whom you can really interact with… someone who would really tone with me. A good person whom you really can treat and accept as a friend… these people have the tendency to recruit people who are to a different category as to mine… She did fit in to the category… and we made very good friendship… She was eternally enthusiastic at her work; loved what she did; wanted the best for the company. She is one of the people who didn’t have the “ah well… the hell I should bother… I’d join somewhere else if it gets any harder here!!” attitude.
(Obviously we’d still keep in touch and all that…. Not that the friendship will end or something…)
Really She is a Darling for all and it can only be said that ‘’some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same’’.
Before you leave, I wanted to remind you what a pleasure it was working for you these last 2 years. I appreciated your support and working style and feel I learned a great deal here.
So I bid her farewell and wish her all the best at her new place… good luck my friend I know that you’d do very well wherever you are… It was nice working with you…and having you around!!!
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