Someone Like You Is Impossible To Find

We never met, but we went through big argument, laughing and understanding each other which is very rare nowadays between male and female friends.

I admit I am still one of those kinds who is looking for the right person to spend my life with. And I am also not going to deny, I was one of those who messed around who didn't take things serious. But after all I grown up and gained some respectful trustful friendships instead of random sex or irresponsible choices.
And I have always been kind and loving to my closest people, and people who need help. And I am very glad that these are something never been changed. Well that's how I see this world.

Alright, I'm wondering why I'm writing this?! I've never been more excited to write. This post is for a girl who is really mysterious but still I feel I know her. I still can't figure how I found her but I don't want to think about that. At first we used to chat very formally but then we started talking like we are good friends. Even today we do the same, we talk like any normal good friends does. We hardly share few likes and dislikes in common but love to chat. She is one girl who is original, Cannot be replaced. I do have female friends and they are really good to me and as person too. I feel lucky to have then but when its comes about mysterious girl, Well I don't know what to say, I Smile and Smile and Smile. The funniest part is, Sometimes she gets angry when I reply with a smiley " :) ". I like the way she is. There are only a few people who are kind and on the same hand open minded. I wanted to know her more, and I guess now I know her! Can't say about "MORE". I know there is still more to discover about her and I'm sure one day I will. She does her best for me to know her, I love the effort she puts to keep our friendship alive and making it strong day by day. Her Tags, Her Notes, Even a normal smiley grabs my attention. I don't know why but when ever I see a new message in my inbox, I expect it to be her. Hope she never gets me wrong because she certainly one of the best thing that has happened to me.

I never met Her, but I feel I know her.

I Am who I Am

Two years ago I wouldn't be writing this with a positive attitude. I have been through something that changed my life forever. Thats okay though because I love who I am I love who I am becoming.

After my traumatic experience I wasn't the same. I was so sad and always depressed. I wouldn't go anywhere I wouldn't do anything and I could hardly be bothered to leave my room. I was always wondering when the pain was going to go away. I hated being that way, but I wasn't doing anything to fix it.

I would love to say there was another life changing experience that led me to happiness again, but there wasn't. It just took time. I went to self-counseling, I talked with friends and eventually I was learning to deal with it. I was wondering why it happened to me insead of wondering why I survived it.  I survived what happened for a reason. I am now a stronger, smarter, and by far much more wise.

It may have taken me some time to realize that what happened changed me for the best, but I now know that it has. I hope that anyone that has been in a life altering situation chooses to become better because of it. Its not always easy, but it doesn't have to be as hard as we sometimes make it.

Looking Back In Future

Too bad my weekend will consist of studying and working. As I'm writing this, I'm sitting in my studio, Doing my show and on the same time writing too. I guess writing is a part of my talent.

I've been constantly asking myself lately, if this is where I am supposed to be in life. I feel like I screwed up so many things and maybe I'm starting over. Now, on the OTHER hand... I feel like I'm old. I'm done. No one is going to want to date an old hag like me but then I got an answer from myself "Dude, You are just 20, stop talking like a loser". After whatever I went through in my life I won't deny the fact that I really have changed a lot. It is good in some cases but not in case of friendship and bonding. I started looking and trearting everything with a professional point of view. I really forgot myself, certainly I did. But I've decided not to screw up more.

I thought my life is perfect, I play guitar, I write blog, I do Facebook, I have a good voice, My professional friends appreciates my talent, My Directors loves what I do, My office mates claims that I'm one of the best Voice Over Artist in my region And then I think, but I don't have anyone to share ME with...  And this is where I decided I'm lost.  I don't know where I should be.  Or what I should be doing.  I have a job, my business is doing pretty good, Whose to say where MY life should be?? Am I behind in achievements or something?  WHAT AM I MISSING!?!?!?

I know what i want, I want to be ME again, So I will be.

I'll be myself, but better. The new and improved me- the non angry me, the non lazy me, the non cynical me, the non negative me, the non berating me, the non sad me. I'll be good. I'll be kind. I'll be steadfast. I'll be faithful. I'll be proactive. I'll be diligent. I'll be open. I'll be funny. I'll be humble. I'll be half serious. I'll be calm. I'll be gentle. I'll be loving. I'll be really fucking good on stage, (with my grateful attitude, and humility in tact, of course). I will be happy, I want to become a person that radiates light, and goodness.

So what I'm learning is, there are a lot of nice people around. I'm also being reminded that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to others. Couple that with the newness of my job and I feel pretty stressed in general.

How is it that I SEE myself repeating my mistakes. I SEE what I am doing wrong when I am doing it - and even before I do it. And yet I still do it? Why?

The scale read 76 today. I'm going up. I'm not working out and I am eating poorly. Let me expand on that one... I am eating destructively. Not only am I eating bad once in a while and not eating my veggies, I am actively eating the worst things. Why is that??

I know it's emotional, but I almost can't help it. ... That sounds so weak. Lame.

Once I started losing weight and changed my whole lifestyle before, I realized that when I was unhappy, I ate to try to ignore it or push it aside. And when I was really low, I thought about food a lot. I would literally think about what I was going to eat next, or where I could go to get something to eat. And then I changed. I ate to live instead of the other way around. And I was proud of myself! But now here I am doing the same thing I did back then. I am noticing that I think about food more and want to eat the unhealthiest things. Especially when I'm alone, that's when I pick up the chocolate bar at the store or go thru the drive thru and don't tell anyone. It's gross. Bad. Destructive.

I've asked the question, why, a couple times now. But if I am being honest, I know what's up. I don't know what to do with myself most days. I don't want any close ties with anyone. I am missing someone. I am pretending to be happy.

But from now, I wont be doing it. I am going back to ME. The "ME" which i was few years back. Will be taking back all the goods and will kick all the bads about myself out.

Now I need to let people back in my life. I've always kept such a distance from people, I would never tell them anything about myself. I had a deep line drawn in the sand around me. I hope I can let that go and invite someone in.

Lastly would like to say "Sorry" and "Thank You" to whom it may concern.

Tere Naam Ye Geet hai...

Wrote and composed this song. The lyrics really means a lot for me, I never wanted to share this but i couldn't stop myself from recording and sharing. If you find anything offensive or even if you dislike anything about the composition then kindly ignore it or keep it to yourself. I really don't want to deal with any kind of critics view or negative response...    This one.. is really special for me, Dedicated to a special friend but the worst part is.. She is not in this world... I don't want to write anymore in regard this post.

Thank You...

Tere_Naam_(acoustic and unplugged)_By_Anup_Verma

LYRICS

Tere naam ye geet hai

Teri yaadon ki ek sangeet hai

Aankhien meri namm hogaie

Unhi aasuon se likhi gaie hai

Yaadein teri isme basi hai

Chahat iski teri hasi hai

Ek arse pehle tha khwab mera

Tu ho meri main hu tera

Meri aankhon mein teri tasweer hai

Teri khushi mein meri zindagi hai

Chahu tujhe main par tu saath nahi

Kehta hai dil tu hai yahin kahin

Tere naam ye geet hai

Teri yaadon ki ek sangeet hai

Aankhien meri namm hogaie

Unhi aasuon se likhi gaie hai

Haan Likhi Gaie hai

Tu Yahi Kahi Hai

Meri Zindagi Hai

I Too Had A Love Story..

I really have no idea ho to begin this post, Lots of thoughts are
popping in my mind. Feel like sharing every single thing but I know I
won't.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Well, I do. I fall in love
everyday when I see a cute girl with good height, Just kidding.
Actually I do believe because one I fell in love, I got to know what
is love.

Guess it was friendship's day, me and few of my friends went to cosmos
mall because few year back only cosmos was the coolest place we knew.
There I spotted a cute barbie like girl sitting with a guy(probably
his friend). I don't know why I couldn't put my eyes off her. Just
wanted to make an eye contact with her. Everything was in slow
motion...That was the first time when I actually realised that there
is something in the universe called LOVE. But that went easy, The next
day was absolutely normal like I never felt something like infatuation
or love.

After a few days I saw her with her another friend. This might sound
cheap but I followed her home. After that things went really fast, my
higher secondary exams, and then life in a Radio. I soon discovered
who she was. I didn't appointed any agent or something but once I went
to an office and saw her. Through that way I actually got to know who
was she. Orkut was really famous those days, I found her on orkut and
sent her a friend request. After a couple of week she accepted the
request. And then started the chatting part. I won't be writing the
exact reality because I don't want to reveal her identity. But soon we
realised that we would make a good friendship. We became friends and I
started having some kind of likeness toward her. But then arrives a
bad news, She was in a relationship. But after knowing that, nothing
changed at all, at times she used to tell me her BF is jealous of me
but most of the times she speaks about me. I don't know if it was
true. I didn't killed those feelings but just accepted the fact that me
and her will never work so I stopped myself
From loving her more and more. She used to share all her problems and
happiness with me. I trusted her and guess she use to do the same. I
sent her surprise gifts on rose day as I already promised her that I
will make that day memorable for her, I don't know if she still
remembers that day or not. But I do.

After a couple of months things were not like before, everything was
perfect but the strong bonding between us went loose for no reason.
Something did created a communication gap between us. But yet we tried
our best to keep this friendship alive. There was a day when we used
to talk whole day and night long, and here is a day when we hardly
see each other, or talk or send forward sms etc.

She had a dream and I always prayed to god help her fulfilling her
dreams. The pray worked and she achieved her dream. And all of a
sudden, she just disappeared. No sign of her. I couldn't find her on
facebook. Don't have her number, nothing....

I guess it was her decision to put an end to everything. I still don't
know why. The worst part, there are rumours in the market that me and
she are/were in a relationship. There are people who says me and she
are couples. I hate listening this. Of course we did shared a good
understanding and friendship but we weren't couples. I agree that once
I loved her but I know that friendship was the best part of our
relationship. I really want to speak to her but don't know how and
why.

Hope she remembers me.

Guess now you have an idea why i named this post "I too had a love story". Sill i'm not sure if it was Love but i wont regret saying that i too fell in love once. I don't know if i will go through that same feeling again but guess i'm not interested or don't want to get into a relationship.

Press Pause. Not Stop.

So I will be taking a small break from blogging for the next few weeks so I can focus on college work and exams. It won't be too long I promise. I would also like to use this time as a chance to reflect on the nature of this blog and the direction I want it to continue in. rjanup.blogspot.com will be three years and a month old at the end of April and well that is quite a long time to be doing this. No this isn't my swan song but I do feel I have changed as a person in this time: my tastes, my outlook, my opinions and interests.

rjanup.blogspot.com began as a mere hobby: an outlet away from studies and radio and a way for me the flex my creative muscles while building and polishing my writing skills. I never thought anyone other than a handful of friends would read this but thousands of you have and my blog has became so much more. It has grown and continues to grow both as apart of me and online. I have met so many interesting people and made many wonderful friends. Most of all I have memories I will treasure for ever. My Blog was at first a scrap blog of all that was style, fashion and generally pretty before incorporating more pop culture elements. At this moment in time I feel unsure of what "rjanup.blogspot" is. All I do know is that I feel like a ship that no longer wants to be anchored. I see a vast ocean ahead of me but first I must choose what course to follow.

So in the meantime if you would like to give me any feedback on what you have liked or disliked here or any suggestions on what you would like to see here in the future, please do! I would love to hear your opinions. For example would you like to see more personal posts, story boards, video posts, movie reviews, interviews etc.? How do you as a reader feel about this blogs? Let me know! I would really appreciate your feedback and see you soon!

Aaj Ki Race

Since I am still feeling too lazy to write some actually meaningful posts (even though no one has ever accused me of writing ‘meaningful’ stuff), I thought I will borrow few couplets from Shahryar, famous urdu poet, Gyan peeth award 2008 winner and the man behind Umrao Jaan magic (off course old one) and share my view on the same (because this is one thing I can do anytime)
siine mein jalan aankhon mein tuufaan saa kyun hai

is shahar mein har shaKhs pareshaan saa kyun hai…

This soulful ghazal is from the movie Gaman (1979) composed by Jaidev and sung by Suresh Wadekar and off course pen down by Shahryar… Shaharyar ka matlab hota hai ‘Friend of the City’… apne naam ke saath kya wafa ki janaab ne apne shahar ka sacha haal bata kar… 1979 mein agar yeh haal that oh aaj 31 saal baad us jalan aur toofan ki rang-o-boo ka toh aap bakhoobi andazza laga sakte hain…
Jaate jaate…. Rat race ke is zamane ke liye main bhi kuch bayan karna chahta hoon…khaaskar dosto ke liye...
Yahan koi kisi ko koi raasta nahi deta,
mujhe gira ke tum samabhal sako toh chalo…

Your Death!!!

When a bird is alive, It eats Ants,
When the bird is dead, Ants eat the bird!
Time & Circumstances can change at any time
Don’t devalue or hurt anyone in life.
You may be powerful today
But Remember, Time is more powerful than You!!!
One tree makes a million match stick
But when the time comes, Only one match stick is needed to burn million trees

Moral: One day you will die and will be eaten by ants. The only thing you take is your Deeds, So be good and do good, Thank Almighty for everything and don’t disrespect others. You are lucked that you have been blessed

Happy Birthday Shiwam(mota)

I have not been updating my blog in ages, Time is very expensive. Or maybe it's just my lazy nature. haha

A lot has happened in the last few weeks. I have been meeting a lot of people and it has been really great so far. Everyone has been so friendly and all and it's good to know that they went through/going though what I am experiencing now so there is lot of support and all. :)

When I'm here, I can see very clearly that I need to improve so many areas in my life. I thought to stop blogging for few days since my exams are near but today is a very special day! :) Today is Shiwam's BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTA! You have been such a wonderful friend for the past million years. :) I never fail to have fun and to laugh like crap when I'm hanging with you. :) You are a great example of a great friend and I'm really thankful to call you my friend. :) I owe you okay? I know I keep saying it but I do. hahaha! I hope you have a very very good birthday! I wish I could celebrate it with you! All the best for your A levels and all, which I know you will do well in! Thank You for everything and I hope this will lead to many more years of friendship for us. love you lots! and missing you! I will write to you again and hopefully it will reach you soon! Take care Mota! see you at the end of the year yeah? lots of love!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!! :)

This Life Is A Performance

Ever since having a health scare and being pissed off from my life, I have been acting as though I'm fine with what my life is becoming. I'm not happy. I tried to put on strong face but I just feel like I'm lying to myself. Im not okay. I'm hating how everything is going. I just want my life to be the way it used to be. I pretend I'm okay because nobody in my life would understand. I feel like i cant live a happy life because I'm going through emotions from not being happy with my love life, health, and current state in life. Will I ever not have to pretend? Is happiness a reality, true happiness? I dont want to have to pretend that I'm in a good mental place Bc I am certainly not!