Looking Back In Future

Too bad my weekend will consist of studying and working. As I'm writing this, I'm sitting in my studio, Doing my show and on the same time writing too. I guess writing is a part of my talent.

I've been constantly asking myself lately, if this is where I am supposed to be in life. I feel like I screwed up so many things and maybe I'm starting over. Now, on the OTHER hand... I feel like I'm old. I'm done. No one is going to want to date an old hag like me but then I got an answer from myself "Dude, You are just 20, stop talking like a loser". After whatever I went through in my life I won't deny the fact that I really have changed a lot. It is good in some cases but not in case of friendship and bonding. I started looking and trearting everything with a professional point of view. I really forgot myself, certainly I did. But I've decided not to screw up more.

I thought my life is perfect, I play guitar, I write blog, I do Facebook, I have a good voice, My professional friends appreciates my talent, My Directors loves what I do, My office mates claims that I'm one of the best Voice Over Artist in my region And then I think, but I don't have anyone to share ME with...  And this is where I decided I'm lost.  I don't know where I should be.  Or what I should be doing.  I have a job, my business is doing pretty good, Whose to say where MY life should be?? Am I behind in achievements or something?  WHAT AM I MISSING!?!?!?

I know what i want, I want to be ME again, So I will be.

I'll be myself, but better. The new and improved me- the non angry me, the non lazy me, the non cynical me, the non negative me, the non berating me, the non sad me. I'll be good. I'll be kind. I'll be steadfast. I'll be faithful. I'll be proactive. I'll be diligent. I'll be open. I'll be funny. I'll be humble. I'll be half serious. I'll be calm. I'll be gentle. I'll be loving. I'll be really fucking good on stage, (with my grateful attitude, and humility in tact, of course). I will be happy, I want to become a person that radiates light, and goodness.

So what I'm learning is, there are a lot of nice people around. I'm also being reminded that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to others. Couple that with the newness of my job and I feel pretty stressed in general.

How is it that I SEE myself repeating my mistakes. I SEE what I am doing wrong when I am doing it - and even before I do it. And yet I still do it? Why?

The scale read 76 today. I'm going up. I'm not working out and I am eating poorly. Let me expand on that one... I am eating destructively. Not only am I eating bad once in a while and not eating my veggies, I am actively eating the worst things. Why is that??

I know it's emotional, but I almost can't help it. ... That sounds so weak. Lame.

Once I started losing weight and changed my whole lifestyle before, I realized that when I was unhappy, I ate to try to ignore it or push it aside. And when I was really low, I thought about food a lot. I would literally think about what I was going to eat next, or where I could go to get something to eat. And then I changed. I ate to live instead of the other way around. And I was proud of myself! But now here I am doing the same thing I did back then. I am noticing that I think about food more and want to eat the unhealthiest things. Especially when I'm alone, that's when I pick up the chocolate bar at the store or go thru the drive thru and don't tell anyone. It's gross. Bad. Destructive.

I've asked the question, why, a couple times now. But if I am being honest, I know what's up. I don't know what to do with myself most days. I don't want any close ties with anyone. I am missing someone. I am pretending to be happy.

But from now, I wont be doing it. I am going back to ME. The "ME" which i was few years back. Will be taking back all the goods and will kick all the bads about myself out.

Now I need to let people back in my life. I've always kept such a distance from people, I would never tell them anything about myself. I had a deep line drawn in the sand around me. I hope I can let that go and invite someone in.

Lastly would like to say "Sorry" and "Thank You" to whom it may concern.